The Mom Guilt

Sometimes I have it all together. 

A few months ago I was having a particularly great day. Somehow, I was well-rested, Kit woke up in a great mood, breakfast was had without incident, and life was perfect. We headed out the door and got to playgroup early. I had sliced apples for a snack, my own coffee, and plenty of water for Kit. I had an extra outfit for her, because you never know, cloth diapers and accompanying cloth wipes with homemade solution. I felt like a queen as I strode into the park, wearing an actual outfit with earrings. 

This day is not an average day for me. 

I've had some soul crushing mess-ups as a mom. At one of Kit's monthly appointments before she was a year old, I somehow didn't pack enough diapers. After stripping her down and weighing her, I dug around in the diaper bag and I realized I hadn't brought one single diaper with me, cloth or otherwise. The clinic gave me an adult diaper to use and I felt like such an inadequate moron. Who brings a diaper bag with no diapers?

I've forgotten snacks. I've forgotten sunscreen. I've forgotten water. I've forgotten wipes. I've forgotten shoes. I've forgotten that Kit takes a nap at a certain time, scheduled something at that time, and had to cancel while mentally cursing myself. Now that Jared and I have to share a car, I've even forgotten to pick him up from work. I even frequently forget my freshly brewed cup of coffee, which is left sitting on the windowsill where I set it so I wouldn't forget it- and coffee is nearly the most important thing in my life!

This last week was a particularly rough one for me, for whatever reason. I could not stay on top of anything this week and it was infuriating. I felt like I failed at everything I did. Kit was having a rough time too, and I'm not sure which one of us started it. 

Sometimes this happens. It will probably even happen frequently, if you're like me. It's okay. By figuring out your mistake, hopefully you won't do it again last time, and as long as it doesn't result in loss of life or limb, it probably isn't too big of a deal, and you can look at yourself in the mirror and say: "At least I didn't [fill in worst-case scenario here]." Seriously. Give yourself some compassion. Your mistakes don't define you (outside of a very small, specific list of crimes, which you probably have not committed). 

Recently a friend sent me this meme thing about saying sorry. (I know it's not a meme, but I have no idea what else to call it other than a screenshot.)

Hmmm. Wow. 

It made me think about all the times I put myself down. All the times I've apologized because I felt like someone would be mad at me for being late (a huge fault of mine, I'm working on it), for being disorganized or excited, or maybe even literally breathing. I didn't want to wait for someone to kick me, so I would just kick myself so maybe they wouldn't have to. I wouldn't want to annoy someone by thinking I deserved basic human decency.

I have no idea why I felt that I inspired that kind of cruelty in anyone. Yeah, sure, some people don't like me, because I'm a human and that's what happens. They probably have their reasons for it and I could try to fix myself to their liking, but that's not why I was put on earth. I wasn't put on earth to please some random person, or to be their punching bag. Honestly, I don't know why I am here, but I do know that's not the reason. 

To be clear, nobody has ever treated me like this (save for a handle of experiences). The handful of experiences made me question everything I was. Maybe they were right, and I was [worst-case scenario in my mind]. And if they think that, everybody else must. And they all know it, and I was too dumb to figure it out which is why I should hate myself extra, so they don't have to!

I'm sure I could probably use a whole year in therapy to figure out why I feel like this, but at least right now I can understand that I am doing that, and to give myself more compassion when I make a mistake. Either I did my best, and that's great, or I didn't, and I had a reason for it. One thing I have learned over the past couple years is that a job worth doing isn't always worth doing well. There are just some things that need to get done, but that don't require perfection. If you don't sweep the floor perfectly now, that's fine. That dirt will still be waiting for you tomorrow. Sometimes it's fine to say, "Good enough," or "Oh well," and move on. Be wary about the people who are expecting perfection from you each and every time. Likely they are just as tough on themselves. You don't need to adopt their worldview or attempt perfection to please them. If it pleases you, that's good enough. 

Right now, especially because of the pandemic and the extremely emotional situations people are facing, self-compassion is needed more than ever. Don't shout down at yourself or think about how awful you are. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. 

To summarize:

• Imagine you have the sweetest little granny in the world. When you feel bad, think about what she would say. And then get yourself a cookie, because that's what she would probably do. 
• Stop kicking yourself so they don't have to. Make them work for it. And don't let anyone kick you, emotionally or otherwise. 
• If you made a mistake, at least you didn't [worst-case scenario]. Then own up to your mistake and put it behind you. 
• Save your perfection for when it's needed. For everything else, you have good enough.
• You are good enough.
• You are good enough. 
• You are good enough. 
• So most of all, don't let you kick yourself.